


Regard

by kronette



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Between Seasons/Series, M/M, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-07
Updated: 2012-12-07
Packaged: 2017-11-20 14:21:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/586315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kronette/pseuds/kronette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set some time after the fade-out of Siege 2, my interpretation of what might have happened to our faithful few Atlanteans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 09 May 2011 @ 06:29 pm.

Unnoticed by everyone, Doctor Rodney McKay sank to the floor of the ‘gate room, his face pressed against the unforgiving metal of the control panel.

Everyone, that is, except Major John Sheppard. 

John shoved his way through the mass of people in the ‘gate room toward the control panel he’d seen Rodney at seconds ago. Gunfire continued around him, Marines and Athosians working together to clear Atlantis of the remaining Wraith. John fired his weapon at the Wraith as he ducked behind consoles, finally arriving at the one he needed.

He rolled Rodney onto his back and did a quick visual check – no obvious wounds. Sickly skin was cool to the touch. A weak but steady pulse beat against John’s fingers pressed to Rodney’s neck. Breath gusted warm and alive across the back of his hand. John leaned back on his heels and closed his eyes with a relieved sigh. When he’d seen McKay go down, he’d expected the worst. 

That didn’t mean that Rodney didn’t look like shit. John’s gaze drifted down McKay’s outstretched arm, where the sidearm he’d seen Rodney firing lay in his open palm, a finger still curled around the trigger. As exhausted as John was right now, he couldn’t help but feel proud of the scientist. 

Shouting and rapid gunfire snapped his head up. Four Wraith were attempting to surround the center consoles. John rose onto one knee and emptied a round into the nearest Wraith, quickly snapping in a fresh clip. He continued firing until that one stopped moving, then turned to the next Wraith. And the next. Were there originally only four, or had his eyes played tricks on him? It seemed they just kept coming at him and the unconscious McKay. 

His eyes blurred and he lost sight of the last advancing Wraith. He blinked and shook his head to clear it, but the shapes around him remained fuzzy. “No,” he breathed as he tried to find something to aim at. What was wrong with him? Was it some sort of biological weapon? 

He didn’t want to risk hitting one of his own people, so John did the only thing he could think of: protect Rodney. He sat on the decking and laid back against Rodney, covering as much of the scientist as he could, keeping his gun aimed at chest level. He continued to shake his head, but his vision continued to blur. Despite his best efforts, darkness slipped over him. 

~~~~

John groaned as a headache forced him awake. Whatever he'd drunk the night before, he _swore_ he’d never drink it again. Crushing his thumbs into his temples, he tried to stop the throbbing behind his eyes.

“Ah, Major, you’re awake.” 

The Scottish drawl blasted through the pain and John cracked an eye open. Sure enough, Doctor Beckett’s face swam before his vision. Instead of the smile John expected to see, Carson’s mouth was a tight line, and he looked exhausted. The bloodstains on Carson’s shirt blared at John like a siren and it all came back to him: the Wraith attack on Atlantis. He croaked out, “The attack – it’s over?” 

At that, Carson’s mouth relaxed into a smile. “Aye, Major. And amazingly enough, we won.” 

“For now,” John admitted darkly, knowing this was only the first battle of what promised to be a long war. “Rodney,” he blurted out, at first not knowing why, and then remembered the unconscious scientist he was protecting before he blacked out. “What happened to him? Is he all right?”

A hand on his shoulder pushed him back down; he hadn’t realized he'd sat up until then. 

“Rodney is fine. Both he and Doctor Zelenka have been running on stimulants for two days without sleep. I doubt Rodney slept much even before then, not since the Wraith ships appeared on our sensors, anyway. His body simply shut down in complete exhaustion.” Beckett’s slight smile deepened to a smirk. “Much like yourself, Major, though your episode had more to do with adrenaline.” 

John wondered just how many people in the ‘gate room saw him collapse, then figured it was better if he didn’t know. He groaned and squeezed his eyes shut again. “How long have I been out?” 

“Just over four hours, Major. You’re fine to leave whenever you want, though I recommend as much sleep as possible over the next few days.” Beckett held up a hand, forestalling John’s protest. “I know there’s a lot of damage to fix and orders to be carried out, but if I have to order you to rest, I will.” 

John expected as much from the doctor, but he had hoped for a reprieve, considering the circumstances. “Fine,” he drawled. He sat up and looked around for the first time. The infirmary was buzzing with nurses and the low murmur of drugged patients. “How many did we lose, Carson?” he asked under his breath. 

“Too many,” Beckett replied quietly. “We’re still accounting for all the Athosians.” 

John didn’t like the thought of people still missing. He gave a quick nod and hopped off the bed. “Then that’s where I’ll start. I’ll be in the control room, coordinating the search teams.” He ignored Beckett’s annoyed look as he left the infirmary.

~~~

Elizabeth wasn’t happy to see him out of the infirmary so soon, but her relieved smile told John all was forgiven. She even squeezed his arm as he sat down to review what had gone on during the attack. Any good feelings John had were severely dampened as he reviewed the incomplete list of the dead. Seeing yet another scientist’s name on it – Peter Grodin – he wondered if this expedition was worth the lives it had cost so far. 

Unwilling to punish himself any more by looking at those he couldn’t help, he opened the report on the missing and reviewed the plan to locate and retrieve them. The _Daedelus_ was tracking the Wraith ships, while teams searched inside Atlantis. Once the human quotient was dealt with to his satisfaction, his attentions turned to Atlantis and how much damage she’d sustained. 

It could have been worse. The central computer was still working, but parts of the city were shut down, either to conserve energy or because of damage to the power grid. The water tanks were contaminated and needed repair, but the Athosians had offered to bring fresh water from the mainland. Preliminary reports from the scientists – those still on their feet – showed that while they didn’t know how structurally sound the city was, Atlantis was still standing.

“Damn straight she is,” he whispered gruffly as he rubbed at the back of his neck. It was odd to feel protective of a metal structure, but slowly, Atlantis was becoming home.

“John?” Elizabeth question, staring at him with concern. 

He didn’t elaborate more than, “Atlantis,” though his tone must have said enough, because she gave a sharp nod. They continued to read over the reports in silence.

“Major?” Elizabeth’s voice called him, sounding strained. “Are you aware that you killed three Wraith in the ‘gate room?” 

The non sequitur threw him for a loop “Yes,” he answered slowly. “I thought there was another one, but I lost sight of it.” 

He watched as she carefully folded her hands and then stared at them, avoiding his gaze. “Are you also aware that you tore through the ‘gate room like a bat out of hell to get to Doctor McKay?” 

She appeared to be building to some point, but damned if he could figure out what it was. “I saw him go down,” he explained. “I assumed he was hit. Was I supposed to stand by and let a Wraith kill him?” 

“Of course not,” she countered immediately. “But you stepped into friendly fire and severely hindered our efforts. We had to circle around you until you dropped behind the consoles.” 

He opened his mouth, but couldn’t think of anything to say. He’d honestly had no conscious thought as he’d raced to Rodney’s side. He’d reacted on instinct. He was completely baffled by Elizabeth’s slight frown of disapproval. 

Her cautious tone suggested someone who was treading into dangerous territory. “John, while it’s admirable to protect someone you care about, I’m concerned that this might happen again."

“I’m sure it will, I just hope to God it doesn’t happen soon. The city couldn’t take another attack right now,” John automatically answered, but sensed it wasn’t what Elizabeth was looking for. She continued to stare at him with those guileless eyes until suddenly, he knew. His voice rose in indignation. “You’re afraid I’m going to put individual lives ahead of the defense of this city, aren’t you?” 

“I’m merely expressing concern at your…single-mindedness when it came to Rodney’s well-being,” she answered diplomatically. 

What the fuck did she expect him to do; let the Wraith suck the life from Rodney? McKay was by himself at that console, undoubtedly trying some last-ditch effort to get the Ancient defense mechanisms to activate. No one was watching his back, so when the Wraith approached, Rodney had to leave his work and defend himself. Pitifully, John might add, as sidearms had proven only minimally effective in stopping a Wraith. “Since when do we leave scientists to defend themselves?” he asked sharply. “Rodney was alone at that console.” 

“Only because he wouldn’t leave it,” Elizabeth countered, anger hardening her tone. “He insisted he could get the remote device working. He ignored my direct order to fall back because he was determined to save your ass.” 

“I didn’t ask him to!” he snarled, before her words could completely sink in. Rodney had defied Elizabeth and put his own life in jeopardy? _His_ Rodney?

Her tone gentled. “John, I understand why you had to risk your life, but I don’t know that Rodney ever will. He will always see another way, especially when it comes to you.” 

He barely registered Elizabeth’s words, but when he did, he stared at her in numbed shock. Was she implying that Rodney…no. Absolutely not. Rodney just – didn’t. Wasn’t. Didn’t. They were friends. Friends looked out for one another. Friends made sure that life-sucking Wraith didn’t kill you. 

Something twisted in John’s gut. Friends didn’t sneak out with a careless “so long” tossed over their shoulder, in order to avoid confrontation. Friends didn’t get a hollow feeling in their chest as they raced across a Wraith-filled ‘gate room to your side. A buzzing filled his head, and desperately tried to find another reason, _any_ reason, but he kept coming back to one simple fact: of everything that happened that day, with the attack, the Daedelus and the nuke, coming back to Atlantis and seeing Rodney go down had affected him the most.

As he continued to stare at Elizabeth, color washed up her neck to her cheeks. “And you have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?”

He found his mouth dry as toast and wished he could say he didn’t, but she’d opened his eyes to something he didn’t want to acknowledge. “I…he and I…aren’t...” It was the oddest statement he’d ever attempted to make, and somehow it made him feel empty inside. 

Elizabeth covered her face with her hands for a long minute, and when she removed them, she appeared calmer. “I don’t often misread a situation this badly. All I can do is offer my apologies, and ask if we can forget this conversation ever took place.”

“Sure,” he replied weakly. He didn’t even attempt to reassure her with a smile, because he didn’t know that he was assured. His stomach churned as he tried calm the unsettled feeling that crept over him. “Do you mind if I take a walk?” he asked, even as he pushed himself to his feet. “I’d like to check out some of the damaged parts of the city myself.” 

Elizabeth barely looked up from her computer. “Of course. Report any damage you notice that wasn’t already cataloged.” 

“Will do,” he replied, and then left abruptly. He wandered the corridors, stepping around the repair teams already at work. The aftermath of battle was always ugly, but the scorch marks on Atlantis’ walls ate at him, a reminder that they were underdefended. He vowed to increase efforts to find another ZPM or another way to fight the Wraith. 

He found himself heading toward his quarters, observing that this area was the least damaged so far. He had to walk by Rodney’s quarters to get to his own, and he slowed down as he approached the scientist’s door. The churning in his stomach returned, and he took a deep, calming breath. So what if Elizabeth had misread the situation? It wasn’t as if he had feelings for Rodney; they were merely friends. No… rather, they had an understanding – that was closer to the truth. McKay was a genius, and John took him down a few pegs. It worked for them. Incredibly well for them, in fact. It had been a long time since John had had that sort of repartee with another team member, much less anyone else. Maybe that’s what had him so spooked: the majority of people on Atlantis saw Rodney as an egotistical asshole. But John saw where the ego ended and the real genius began. 

As he stared at the door, he couldn’t recall if Rodney had been in the infirmary when he woke up. His hand automatically went to his comm. “Sheppard to Beckett. Carson, has Rodney been released from the infirmary?” 

It took a few seconds for Carson to answer. “Aye. Once I determined it was nothing more than exhaustion, I had someone take him to his quarters. He should sleep well into tomorrow.” Suspicion darkened Carson’s voice. “Why, you haven’t seen him up and about, have you?” 

John smiled at the annoyance he could hear over the comm. “No, I just couldn’t remember seeing him in the infirmary when I woke up, that’s all. Thanks. Out.” He terminated the connection and continued to stand outside Rodney’s quarters, his mind blank. 

This was pointless. John didn’t need to see Rodney to know he was all right; Carson had confirmed he was. Of course, it was perfectly valid for John to be there; a member of his team had been in the line of fire. It was within his rights to check up on said team member. John ignored all the other reasons he wanted to see the scientist with his own eyes, and called for Rodney through the door. 

Hearing no response, John raised his hand to open the door, ignoring the slight tremors in his fingers. He knew he had no right to barge into someone’s quarters like this, but something he didn’t want to examine too closely urged him forward. 

The door opened quietly and he stepped inside, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He heard light snores coming from the bed and guilt immediately washed over him. Rodney needed sleep; the man didn’t get enough in the best of circumstances, yet John couldn’t make himself turn to leave.

Elizabeth’s statement about Rodney continuing to search for a way to activate the ‘jumpers remotely, even after John was airborne, came to mind as he regarded the sleeping man. Damn it, it was _John’s_ job to protect those who needed protecting, and the scientists needed protecting most of all. To see Rodney firing that pitiful sidearm at the oncoming Wraith, see him collapsing, not knowing if he was hurt…

John found himself walking over to the bed, careful not to step on anything breakable or Ancient. He stopped when he could make out Rodney’s features and crouched down. McKay was dead to the world, a combination of adrenaline crash, caffeine crash, stimulant crash – you name it, Rodney was crashing from it. 

A wave of affection surprised him as he studied the slack features. How could that mouth be so innocent-looking in sleep, yet cut down a colonel without a second thought? Or a first thought, as John suspected Rodney was well on his way to la-la land before the reinforcements from Earth arrived. He absently rested his hand on the blanket near Rodney’s half-curled fingers. “What am I going to do with you?” he asked softly, though he knew what the response would be. John had risked his life to save Atlantis; Rodney had risked his in his own way.

For all his ranting and raving, Rodney had had a point: scientists were only called in when other solutions failed, and by then it was almost too late. Almost, but not this time. “Atlantis can’t afford to lose you,” John whispered fervently. “I’m just an expendable fly-boy. And no arguments about my Ancient gene – your engineered gene works just as well, so I know I would have left Atlantis in good hands.”

It was the argument he'd prepared for when he left the Chair Room, without the angry rebuttal from Rodney. John’s casual goodbye had gone right over Rodney’s distracted head, giving him time to leave the room and get to the ‘jumper. He knew that Rodney would have used everything in his arsenal to stop him, and John couldn’t let him. It had to be done, and it had to be done by him. It was bad enough John could still see Elizabeth’s eyes when he closed his own. In battle, sacrifices had to be made. The scientists were learning that, though it pained him to think it. To them, anything was possible. 

Reality was much harsher. 

“Damn you, Rodney,” he whispered, and found himself leaning closer to that infuriating, tantalizing mouth. He was close enough to feel the warm breath that escaped between the barely-parted lips, heart pounding madly in his chest, his mind demanding he stop even while his head dipped down…

He started when he felt fingers close around his own; at some time during his monologue, he had moved his hand to cover Rodney’s. 

As he tried to carefully pull his hand away, he heard a gravelly voice mutter, “Usnout.”*

Biting his tongue to keep from yelling, John extracted his hand and stood up. He peered at the lump of covers around Rodney, only then noticing the odd shape. Spooned so close behind Rodney that John hadn’t seen him, was Doctor Zelenka. The other scientist’s fuzzy head was buried in Rodney’s shoulder blades, his slighter frame easily hidden from view by Rodney’s stockier build. 

Now, John noticed the two hands peeking out from beneath Rodney’s chest: one tucked under the pillow, and one that couldn’t possibly be Rodney’s, as it was bent at an odd angle. His deductive reasoning caught up with him slowly: Rodney was in bed with Zelenka. Zelenka was in bed with Rodney. He blinked a few times, ignoring the belated sting that threatened his eyes. You are happy, he told himself. Happy that something good had come of the past few hellacious weeks. Assuming this was new, and not something he’d missed all along. 

Jealousy flared hot and bright, though he wasn’t sure if it was because Rodney was already involved, or just the fact that they’d managed to find something where he couldn’t. He noted absently that Rodney had hogged most of the covers for himself. Poor Zelenka’s back was exposed to the slight air currents of the quarters, and he was tucked so close to Rodney that John felt a flush creep up his neck.

His earpiece beeped and he swore softly. He tapped the comm. “Sheppard.”

“Major,” Elizabeth’s excitement come through the line, “We have a lead on our missing people. Control room; five minutes.”

Relieved, he whispered, “On my way. Out.” 

He was startled as he heard a noise, but it was just Zelenka shifting, tucking one leg between Rodney’s tangled in the blanket. This time, Rodney grunted and looked like he was pulling Radek’s other hand tighter around himself. 

John suddenly held the two scientists in higher regard. They worked so well as a team trying to get the Chair to work with the new naquadah reactor, yet they didn’t display any outward signs of their involvement. John might never have known if he wasn’t curious about his own feelings toward Rodney. As it turned out, they no longer mattered, even if they did exist.

Feeling his jealousy give way to other feelings he didn’t want to analyze, he reached out and gently pulled the blanket down over Zelenka’s back, whispering, “Thanks,” to the both of them. They deserved the rest after all they’d done to save Atlantis. And he’d make sure their involvement remained a secret until, or if, they decided to share it with the rest of the team. 

\---------------------

Awareness came slowly to Rodney McKay. He fought against it, wanting to stay in the warmth that surrounded him. Letting out a low groan, he tried to roll onto his back, but something bulky was in his way. He buried himself deeper into the pillow and tried to pull the blankets around himself more, but he couldn’t seem to grasp them. 

Irritated that his attempt to go back to sleep was apparently thwarted, he pried his eyelids open and immediately slammed them closed against the brightness. Light reflecting off the ocean was always the harshest, and as much as he could aesthetically enjoy being on the water, he much preferred the underground of the Antarctic. 

What time was it anyway? It felt like he’d been asleep for weeks. Bleary-eyed, he tried to lift his arm to read his watch, but ended up dragging another hand into view instead. The movement pushed something deeper into his shoulder blades, and a muffled voice demanded sleepily, “Give hand back.”

Rodney felt a stupid grin emerge as he realized Radek was behind him. Still in the pleasant state of not-quite-awake, he raised their joined hands to his lips and kissed each of the slim fingers in turn. “I like your hand,” he murmured against the back of Radek’s hand. He felt the slighter man squirming behind him in a good way and flicked his tongue against warm skin. 

“Rodney,” Radek growled, but his voice was thick with sleep, sounding adorably cranky rather than irritated. 

Unlike Rodney, who when cranky, just sounded pissed off. 

Sharp pressure against Rodney’s back – _oh_ oh – Radek had a mouthful of his skin through his t-shirt, gently rolling it between sharp teeth. Rodney arched back and groaned as pleasure tingled at his extremities, moving quickly through his bloodstream and waking him up fully. 

In retaliation, Rodney slipped Radek’s thumb into his mouth and bit lightly. His immediate reward was a hitched moan and a thrust of hips, but then Radek curled his fingers under Rodney’s chin to turn his head. It was an awkward angle, but the thumb in Rodney’s mouth was replaced with eager lips and tongue.

Rodney quickly lost himself in the sensation of Radek’s kiss, feeling the edge of desperation in Radek’s movements and matched it with his own. He moaned as teeth clashed against teeth, feeling the last of his lethargy leave him. His left hand slid along Radek’s cheek to cup the back of his neck, palm flush against the rough stubble. His other hand tugged at the covers tangled around them, trying to reach Radek’s body he knew to be buried in there somewhere. 

With a groan, Radek pulled back. “Wait; we must talk first.” 

Rodney narrowed his eyes. They’d had numerous discussions about discussing things in the heat of the moment – and this was as heated as he’d ever felt. He was not about to be distracted by words. He managed to roll onto his back and wrapped his arms around Radek, pinning him to his chest. “Talk later,” Rodney murmured as he angled for another kiss. 

Radek shoved himself upward, wide-awake and panicked. “No! Major Sheppard was here. He saw us. Rodney – what will happen?”

Hearing John’s name derailed Rodney’s thought processes. The puddle jumper had been a small blue dot surrounded by dozens of red dots. He’d stared at the mind-numbing scene for all of a minute, then his brain had kicked in. He was not allowing John Sheppard to sacrifice himself for Atlantis; for anything or anyone. He’d retraced his and Radek’s steps through their remote activation of the puddle jumper, trying to find their mistake. There had to be a mistake – it had worked, damn it. If all it needed was another power source, he’d get one. “Radek,” he had ordered into his comm, “Get the naquadah generators – all of them. Hook them up to the Chair.” He hadn’t waited for an answer; he knew Radek would do as he had asked. His fingers had danced frantically over the Ancient console, willing it to work. His concentration had been broken by shouting and gunfire: Wraith were in the ‘gate room. He didn’t have time to deal with the Wraith; he was so close, he could feel it – 

”Rodney!” someone had yelled, he thought it might be Elizabeth. Didn’t she understand he needed to get this working? He had to save John…

Sparks had burst from the console at this left; weapon-fire had obliterated the panel. “Shit!” He had shaken his hand, feeling the effect of shock through his system. His world had slowed to a crawl as he turned, facing the oncoming Wraith. His hand had automatically gone to his sidearm, nerves still twitching a bit. The gun had felt like weighted lead as he lifted it, having to use both hands to steady it. He had got off three shots, he had thought, before the room had spun crazily around him and he had wondered if he’d been hit by one of the Wraith stunners again. Something hard had slammed against his body, and then he couldn’t see anymore. His entire body had felt cold and numb, then warmth had settled over him, comforting and safe. 

Slowly, Rodney’s thoughts caught up to what Radek was telling him. “Sheppard – John was here?” he asked, voice cracking on the name he thought he’d never be able to say again. He sat up, absently dislodging Radek to his side of the bed. “He’s alive?” 

Rodney untangled himself from the covers and began to pace. How had John survived? Rodney didn’t think he was able to get the Chair working before the Wraith destroyed the console. “Were you able to get the Chair working?” he asked Radek without turning to look at him, then answered his own question. “No, there wasn’t time to gather the generators. I’m sure the Daedelus arrived at some point, possibly obliterating one of the hive ships and giving John the order to stand down, though how would they have known about John’s attempt unless they contacted Atlantis…”

“Rodney!”

Radek’s shout drew him somewhat out of his mental acrobatics. “What?” he answered distractedly. 

Radek’s tone said that he’d called more than once, but only a flicker of guilt bothered Rodney. The other man was used to Rodney being engrossed in something to the point of ignoring everything else. “Major Sheppard is alive; it doesn’t matter how. What matters is that he saw us in bed together.”

Rodney was distracted by scenarios of how John survived the nuke – assuming it was even deployed, and so dismissed Radek’s comment with a wave of his hand. “We’re civilians. Their rules don’t apply.” 

“And what of his talking to you?” Radek asked with a forlorn undertone.

The question drew Rodney’s full attention. “What?” He turned then to stare at the man on the bed, disturbed by the picture Radek presented. Arms were curled around his tucked-up knees, and his head was tilted down just enough that Rodney couldn’t read his eyes. An unsettled feeling began in the pit of his stomach, but his mind still whirled with the reality that John was alive. “He was talking to me?” Rodney asked.

Radek kept his gaze diverted and his expression closed off, and Rodney’s unsettled feeling increased. “Something about your ATA gene and the city being in good hands.” He looked up then, and Rodney almost wished he hadn’t. Suspicion narrowed the normally calm eyes. “You have something to tell me?” Radek asked sharply.

Guilt – though he hadn’t done anything – gnawed at Rodney’s conscience. Thinking something wasn’t doing something. It didn’t even amount to ‘thinking’ – more of something at the back of his mind – an unconscious thought that was just there. But guilt wracked him all the same. 

“I can’t think of anything that needs telling,” Rodney lied, hating that he could hear a hitch in his voice. Much like the hitch when he’d turned to Elizabeth and accused her of letting John fly the nuclear-armed ‘jumper. He winced at the memory, at the all-but-admission of something, and tried to find the words to explain. “Radek…”

Radek’s clipped tone cut him off. “Major Sheppard grasped a hand – my hand – because he thought it was yours!” 

“I’m not sleeping with him!” Rodney exclaimed, not knowing what else to say. He had no idea why John would have held his hand. He didn’t even know how John survived the attack. Hell, he didn’t know how _he_ survived – weren’t Wraith surrounding him when he collapsed? Why did he have an impression of John protecting him, pressing back against him? A shiver coursed through him at the thought, then he felt the weight of Radek’s stare. 

Piercing blue-gray eyes regarded him intently, and a guilty flush covered Rodney’s upper chest and neck, glaringly obvious to anyone, even the near-sighted Radek. 

“You don’t have to be having sex to have feelings,” Radek hissed and climbed out of bed. “Sheppard obviously has feelings for you other than friendship. And I don’t hear you deny that you have feelings for him.” The Czech had a temper that rivaled Rodney’s own when he got going, and he could tell that Radek was only warming up. “And to think I was worried what the Major would say to Weir about finding us in bed. I should have worried about the competition. Hloupý, hloupý,”* Radek muttered to himself as he jabbed his hands in the air.

“Does it mean anything if you see someone and think they’re hot?” Rodney snapped back, refusing to be cast as the villain. He couldn’t deny Radek’s accusation because he did feel something for John, but it was irrelevant to them. He didn’t know why John came to his room or why Sheppard held his hand, and right now, he didn’t fucking care. “Does that constitute actually having sex with them or even wanting to have sex with them?” 

“We are not talking about me. We are talking about you and _John_ ,” Radek spat. That laser stare bored straight into him. “If you want to be involved with other people, at least have them wait until I’m not in bed with you!”

“I never said I wanted to have sex with John!” Rodney yelled back, hands waving erratically. “You’re making assumptions based on something you heard when you were half asleep.” He stared at Radek, both of them breathing heavily in their anger. “I’ve never approached Sheppard, and he’s never approached me. I’m not saying I don’t have feelings for him, but I’m not going to jump the man in the corridor.” 

Those blue-gray eyes tried to hide all of Radek’s feelings, but he could see that Radek was hurt by his admission. He thought maybe he’d gotten through to the stubborn Czech, but he could sense restlessness from Radek. Rodney couldn’t figure out the emotions swirling in Radek’s eyes, but it appeared a decision had been made, as Radek turned and retrieved his jacket from the floor. 

Panic built quickly as it sank in that Radek meant to leave…meant to leave him. He wasn’t ready for this; not mentally and not emotionally. His feet moved before he thought them to move, and he cornered Radek on his side of the bed, hating the immediately crossed arms shutting him out. 

Rodney struggled to ignore his wildly chattering mind and focus on his feelings for once. “You can’t leave because of this. It doesn’t mean anything. Feelings aren’t something we can control, but our actions are. I don’t care how John feels about me. I only care about how I feel about you.”

When Radek didn’t attempt to get past him, he moved within touching distance. Rodney believed he was forgiven as Radek’s stance relaxed and his hands came to rest on Rodney’s hips, drawing him closer. Radek’s eyes were shining with something Rodney couldn’t identify, but they were soft and fixated on him. 

Rodney realized then how close he came to Radek walking out the door, and nerves overtook him. He reached out a trembling hand to gently stroke Radek’s cheek, relieved when eyelids flickered closed. His voice dropped to a low murmur as he shifted closer. “I didn’t agree to sleep with John. I didn’t ask him to stay the night. I care about him as much as anyone I work with, but you…” 

Rodney sucked at seduction as theory, even more so than the actual application, but he could touch, and make Radek feel, make him understand…

Leaning down, he met Radek halfway into the kiss, forgetting about John, Atlantis, and even the Wraith for the moment. 

 


	2. Next Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Radek Zelenka regarded the sleeping man next to him with a heavy heart

Radek Zelenka regarded the sleeping man next to him with a heavy heart. He had taken the coward’s way out of their fight – giving in to his body’s demands instead of confronting Rodney with what he knew. He reached out to gently smooth the errant hairs back from Rodney’s forehead, knowing it would not be much longer that he could touch Rodney so intimately. 

He knew Rodney told as much of the truth as he knew about his feelings for Sheppard; it was the truth Rodney didn’t yet realize that had Radek’s mind buzzing with unpleasantries. He knew Rodney cared for him; that wasn’t the issue. It was how much Rodney cared for John Sheppard. 

Radek understood how a close working relationship could lead to other closeness; he wouldn’t be in Rodney’s bed if he didn’t find the man attractive on many levels. But Rodney’s devotion to Major Sheppard went far beyond what Radek suspected Rodney felt for him. It was very confusing, and as much as he wanted to talk to someone about it, he didn’t trust anyone that much in Atlantis… except Rodney.  

Radek sighed and traced his fingers down the side of Rodney’s face, along the days-old stubble, down the steady pulse-point. His hand splayed over Rodney’s collarbone, his thumb rubbing gently at the base of Rodney’s throat. 

He remembered their first meeting, and how Rodney didn’t bother to learn his name until he’d proven to be an intellectual match for the Chief Science Advisor – a pompous title, but appropriate for a pompous man. Radek understood Rodney’s arrogance; most of the scientists assigned to the Ancient outpost in Antarctica had built similar defense mechanisms to survive in the world. But on Atlantis, they all believed it wouldn’t be necessary. A scientific expedition, lead by a civilian multi-doctorate woman! The U.S. marines sent with them didn’t bother the scientists in the least; they knew who was in charge…at least, until the Wraith came. 

He shuddered just remembering when he was finally able to recognize what Atlantis was trying to tell him – three Wraith hive ships had been heading for them. Much of the past few weeks were a blur, and the past few days were all but forgotten. The stimulants he and Rodney received from Carson worked incredibly well, allowing them to do their jobs, but Radek didn’t like not remembering details. He remembered panic; he remembered feeling sick quite often. Radek remembered the look in Rodney’s eyes – beyond exhaustion, beyond human limits, beyond anything that anyone could expect of him, yet he pushed himself further. 

Radek had sensed that Rodney was pushing himself to a breakdown. When they’d had a moment to breathe, he’d pulled Rodney’s head away from whatever piece of equipment they’d been working on and kissed him hard, not letting Rodney go until he reciprocated. It wasn’t a kiss of love or devotion, or meant to tease or seduce. It had been a kiss of desperation, of life, and to remind Rodney that no matter what happened, this meant something. 

When Rodney had pulled back to stare at him and demanded, “What was that for?” Radek had just stared at him. 

Radek had continued to stare at him until he saw the light of understanding in Rodney’s eyes, and then had patted Rodney’s cheek affectionately. “Back to work,” he had ordered lightly. “The city won’t defend herself, no matter how much we wish it.” 

Rodney had licked his lips and nodded. “Right. Work,” he had said distractedly, and Radek had been proud of himself at that moment, that he’d managed to break through Rodney’s single-mindedness.   
  
He had been proud of Rodney many times in the past few weeks, but their conversion an hour ago had left him drained and uncertain. They worked so well together, always with the same thought, sometimes without having to speak aloud, that it still sent a chill down Radek’s spine. 

But being literally dumped aside when Rodney learned of Major Sheppard’s miraculous survival had given Radek all the truth he needed, whether he wanted it or not. He could go on pretending he didn’t notice, but that wasn’t fair to either of them. If Rodney wanted him, then Radek wanted Rodney to choose him with a clear conscious. He didn’t want to be second choice, even if it meant giving up Rodney completely.

He kissed Rodney lightly, then rolled out of bed and dressed. He found his glasses, slipped them on, and located a laptop beneath a hand-drawn map of the city. His fingers trembled as he booted up the machine. He stared at the blank page for several minutes, knowing what needed to be said, but still hesitated over actually writing it. His gaze flicked to Rodney sprawled on the bed, sheet wrapped low around his waist, exposing his chest, and averted his eyes. It would do no good to torture himself so.

He brushed a few errant tears off his cheeks and began to type. Not even halfway through he had to stop; had to shove his glasses up to scrub at his eyes to stop the blurring. He wiped his face, took a steadying breath, and continued. When his brain refused to translate automatically and he couldn’t see to write anymore, he finished by touch-typing: 

‘Miluji tě.  
Radek.’

He took a few minutes to steady his breathing and wipe his face. He carefully saved the file and set the laptop in an obvious place, so Rodney would see it when he woke up and began looking for him. 

Tears still slipping down his cheeks, Radek leaned over Rodney and gently placed a kiss over his heart, resisting the urge to rub his nose against the chest hair. Their smell was strongest there, and he took a long, deep breath to imprint it to memory. He straightened and turned quickly, not looking back as he left Rodney’s quarters. 

\------------------

What was Rodney thinking? John berated the scientist in his head as he stalked down the corridor to the labs. It had been almost three weeks since the Wraith attack, and Rodney had all but shut down. He didn’t speak up in staff meetings anymore, and took orders from Sheppard or Caldwell with no backtalk. Rodney had never sat silent about anything, especially when it came to his own safety, but it was as though he didn’t care anymore. His eyes were distant and lifeless whenever they focused on something, but most of all when a certain fuzzy-haired scientist was asked to join them in the briefings. 

Doctor Zelenka didn’t appear to be much better off than Rodney. If John thought him small before, now he was positively thin and pasty-looking. The Czech kept his eyes on his PDA or laptop, whichever was in front of him at the time, and only spoke when asked a direct question. John had learned very quickly not to ask Rodney questions when Zelenka was in the room; he would get monosyllabic answers that were useless in determining anything. 

That morning, John had checked his email to discover he was copied on a transfer request from Rodney to be assigned to the Daedelus as their chief engineer. Considering the Daedelus had a full compliment of engineers, John knew something was up. And he was determined to learn what it was.

He stopped short as he entered the lab and stared at the scene before him. 

The scientific staff ignored him as they argued with Kavanaugh about the posting of Zelenka as Chief Scientific Advisor. Zelenka was sitting at one of the smaller tables, his back to everyone in the room, but John could see the tension in the too-thin shoulders. And Rodney –

Rodney was packing equipment into boxes clearly labeled ‘McKay’. Two were already stacked outside his office, while several more were waiting nearby, empty. Rodney didn’t stop his methodical packing, even when John covered the box with his hand. “McKay, we need to talk.” 

“There’s nothing to discuss, Colonel,” Rodney answered quietly, keeping his eyes on the items in his hand. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to get through this as quickly as possible.” 

“I see that. What I want to know is why.” John refused to back down, and finally Rodney was forced to meet his gaze. 

“I don’t see how this is any of your business,” Rodney answered with a little more weight to his words, though the emotion churning in his eyes spoke volumes more. 

Three weeks of not knowing the cause of Rodney’s reticence had pushed John to seek him out. Feeling the waves of vulnerability and helplessness pour off Rodney now solidified his determination to get Rodney to talk. John couldn’t let this affect him personally, though he didn’t want Rodney to leave for selfish reasons. He liked the man, and not just physically. He had to try to get Rodney to stay; not because of him, but because it was the right thing to do. 

He took the scientist by the arm and steered them back into Rodney’s office, shutting the door behind them. “Your leaving is my business. You’re a member of my team…” John turned and faced a glaring scientist, arms crossed and in full bitch-mode. 

“This has nothing to do with your team,” Rodney snarled. “This is about me and my life, and what I choose to do with it.” 

“You went to Caldwell, knowing that Elizabeth would never have allowed you to leave Atlantis,” John countered harshly, glad to see Rodney’s flinch. At least he was hitting a nerve. “What in the hell happened? Atlantis needs you. You’re the best we have.” 

“I’m one of the best we have,” Rodney shot back, and John knew something was horribly, terribly wrong. “All the scientists on this mission were the best in their field. I just happened to be the world’s foremost expert in Ancient technology.”

“And you don’t think that’s an important enough reason to stay on Atlantis?” John questioned, trying to flesh out the truth. “You’ve come up with some amazing, on-the-fly ideas that saved our collective butts time and again. Do you think the Wraith won’t be back? Or the Genii? What will we do then?” 

“It’s not like I’m flying off to the other end of the galaxy,” Rodney remarked snidely. “Besides, Doctor Zelenka is more than capable of handling any situation that arises,” he added quietly, and John caught the tightening of his arms around his chest. 

Something in the way Rodney said Zelenka’s name, the slight shift in his stance, gave John all the information he needed about Rodney’s transfer request. Some thing had happened between McKay and Zelenka, and Rodney wanted as far away from the other scientist as possible. 

Perfect. 

John didn’t think he could be impartial when it came to this. Not after brooding for nearly three days after he saw the two scientists in bed together. Not the way his heart was pounding now. Did they have a fight? Had they broken up, and if so, who had broken it off with whom? _Focus_. He needed to focus. The only thing he needed to get across was that Atlantis needed Rodney. Surely, he could do that without tripping over his own words. 

“Rodney,” he began in a softer tone, “this is a small expedition. Relationships won’t always be champagne and roses, but we need to get along for the sake of the mission.” So much for not tripping – that was a full-on splat! It wasn’t even what he wanted to say. He wanted to impress upon Rodney how valuable his insight was into Ancient technology; how his ideas were a necessary part of Atlantean life. And out of his mouth came relationship nonsense. God, he was in serious trouble. 

John had always been good at hiding his personal feelings, but he could feel his face warm from the flush of embarrassment, and the pure, unbridled anger that Rodney directed at him. 

“Back off, Colonel,” the scientist hissed.

Embarrassment quickly turned to annoyance, and John’s eyes narrowed dangerously. He’d noticed Rodney’s deliberate goad of using his newly appointed rank, rather than his name, since he’d stepped into the lab. If Rodney was trying to get beneath his skin, it was working. “You’re a member of my team until you transfer, Doctor, which means…”

“Dick when it comes to our personal relationships,” Rodney cut in, voice pure venom. “So again, I’m instructing you to back off.”

Infuriating. Irritating. Irrational. And that was just what _John_ was feeling. He advanced on Rodney, voice dropping to dangerous levels. “This isn’t about personal relationships, McKay…”

A challenge lit Rodney’s eyes and disdain practically dripped off his tongue. “Really? Because I don’t see a military officer worried about losing a member of his team; I see a jealous man who doesn’t want me to leave him.” 

John’s mouth dropped open, wanting to say something smart in retaliation, but Rodney’s statement threw him completely for a loop. “I’m not…” he started to protest, but he couldn’t finish, because he was jealous. Had been jealous. Fuck. Dread curled his stomach.

Smelling blood, Rodney moved in for the kill, both verbally and physically. “Didn’t you hear the good news? Radek left me, oh, about the time you sneaked into my quarters when I was asleep.” 

The intense pain and anger directed at him felt like a physical blow and he tried to back away, but Rodney closed the gap between them, continuing in a low hiss. “Radek heard your little speech to me. I understand it was very heart-felt, though you seem to have held the wrong fucking hand while you were giving it.”

Too late, John saw the fist swinging toward his jaw and was only able to turn his head a fraction before it connected. He caught Rodney’s second swing in one hand and lashed out with his other, catching Rodney under the chin and sending him reeling back against the wall. John followed the stumbling man, crowding him until Rodney stood at his full height, nose to nose, breathing harshly and waiting for the expected blow. 

Daring flickered in Rodney’s eyes, daring and hatred and longing so intense that John wanted to punch him again, make it go away, match it... 

An ache began deep inside him at the crush of his mouth against Rodney’s, not knowing which of them moved first. Hands fisted in Rodney’s jacket, holding him close as his lips fought against Rodney’s, tongues sharp and teeth bruising as their fight continued. 

Hands clawed at his back, fingernails scratching along the thin shirt, leaving welts on his skin in their wake. The pain intensified the ache inside of John, and his body shifted closer to Rodney’s. He tried to hold Rodney still, to stay with his hot, arrogant mouth, but the stubborn man kept pulling back to chew on his lower lip. Again and again, John’s lip was drawn between Rodney’s teeth, pulled taut and released in quick, sharp motions that had John dizzy with the sensations it caused. 

A dark, deep moan echoed in the tiny office, but John wasn’t sure which one of them it came from. His entire focus was on Rodney’s mouth, so intent on him that all John could do was grasp Rodney’s upper arms and try to keep from flying apart. God, his lip was sore, but it was so good that he never wanted Rodney to stop.

Finally, finally, John was able to slide his hands up to Rodney’s neck and force his chin up with his thumbs, diving immediately for the hollow below the Adam’s apple and burying his nose there. He applied himself to not-so-soft nips and hard sucking, and was pleased at the throaty groan that vibrated against his mouth. 

Hands gripped his hair as his mouth was attacked again, this time by a thick tongue seeking dominance. John happily joined in the battle, ignoring the jarring of teeth, of the odd angles and harsh breath against his cheek, as neither was willing to give in. 

It was one of the best damn make-out sessions he’d ever had, with the fury and anger and intensity focused to such a pinpoint of feeling, the balance so precarious, that one wrong move would send them both crashing. 

John managed to get a hand between them and cupped Rodney through his pants, drawing a pained moan from the other man. He felt Rodney’s forehead press into his shoulder as he worked his hand inside the other man’s pants. His fingertips brushed Rodney’s cock, feeling the heat emanate from the rapidly filling flesh. 

“I hate you,” Rodney breathed against his neck. 

Not really registering the comment until seconds later, John tensed and stilled his hands. “What?” he asked.

Rodney lifted his head, and John got a clear view of the red-rimmed eyes and the salty remains of tears on his cheeks. “I hate you,” he repeated, voice thick with emotion, and John allowed him to step away from him. 

Rodney’s voice shook as he admitted, “I might have loved him; I don’t know. We weren’t together that long; maybe two months before the attack.” His voice rose in anger and volume. “I could have, if you hadn’t opened your stupid mouth and held his hand and came into my quarters in the first place. Then we’d still be together and I wouldn’t know how I feel about you, you arrogant asshole!” 

It was really hard to concentrate when Rodney’s eyes were snapping like that, passion firing his words. God, John wanted him. Wanted to drag Rodney down to the floor and never let him up. Wanted to spend a thousand years learning every nuance of that mouth. Wanted to keep Rodney mad at him, so they could fight and make up and fight some more. “Look who’s talking,” he stated without thinking. “You’re the king of arrogance around here!”

“Not when it comes to my personal life!” Rodney spat back, and John shouldn’t be turned on like this; shouldn’t like it that Rodney was angry; shouldn’t feel this way. “I don’t brag about my conquests. I don’t…flaunt it like you military-types do.” 

The disgust emanating from Rodney was palpable, and some of John’s anger returned. “I don’t ‘flaunt it’,” he said. “I’m not one for locker room gossip, and you’d know that if you spent the time to get to know me.” 

“I know all I need to know about you, Colonel,” Rodney said declared, voice dripping with condescension. “You’re everything I want and nothing that I want. You make me feel – disgusted…and shamed and desperate at the same time. I want to fuck you until there’s nothing left of either of us. I want to hurt you until you’re begging me to kill you. I never want to see you again, and I can’t imagine not seeing you every single day.” Words spent, Rodney tucked his hands under his arms, sealing himself off emotionally. 

The raw emotion that poured from Rodney shook John to the core. He didn’t know. How could he know? He was still coming to terms with his own feelings, so he hadn’t thought of how Rodney felt about him. Obviously, Rodney had thought about this a long time, to have all this bottled up inside. How could the man work with him nearly every day and not let on? John knew something about willpower, and he was stunned and ashamed to learn that Rodney was one of the strongest men he’d ever met.

His gaze caught a smear of red on Rodney’s lower lip, and with a shiver, realized it was blood. John flicked his tongue against his own lips and tasted blood. No wonder his lip was sore; Rodney had gnawed his way through half of it. 

Rodney’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “You like this,” the scientist said, voice full of wonder. Rodney’s expression matched his tone; incredulous and a little frightened.

John licked his lip again, tasting Rodney on the tip of his tongue. “Like what? Kissing you?”

“Not kissing me, you asshole; fighting,” Rodney elaborated snidely. “Making me mad. You like it.” 

He was already damned; what difference did it make what Rodney knew about him? He shrugged nonchalantly. “I like passion. You’re displaying tons of it.” 

“That’s because I’m furious at you!” Rodney spluttered, and John had to grin at the baffled expression on his face. 

“The flush of color on your cheeks, your eyes practically sparking; it’s an incredible turn-on,” John stated matter-of-factly, delighted as the flush darkened and spread below Rodney’s shirt collar. He rubbed absently at his bruised lip. “Not to mention, the vicious kissing.” 

He almost missed the flick of Rodney’s tongue as he tasted his own lips. “Shit,” Rodney muttered as he stared at John’s lips, not realizing he took a step forward. “I did that?” 

John took care to lick his lips again, keeping his eyes locked on Rodney’s. “Yep,” he whispered as he closed the distance between them. “Maybe you can make it feel better,” he murmured as his lips closed over Rodney’s, this time without the bruising force. It was slow, and deep, and he was thrilled at the anxious moan that rumbled from Rodney. 

Just as Rodney was relaxing into the kiss, really relaxing into it, he pushed back, shaking his head. “Nononononono.” 

John couldn’t keep Rodney in his arms; the scientist retreated to the other side of the room, putting the desk between them. “No, I can’t do this.” 

“Can’t? Or won’t,” John challenged, though he was pretty sure he knew the answer. At Rodney’s crestfallen expression, he was positive. He tempered his voice as he asked, “It’s Radek, isn’t it?” 

Rodney crossed his arms across his chest again and shrugged, looking down at the floor. 

John felt like an ass. He didn’t know how involved Rodney and Zelenka were, but it was obvious that Rodney hadn’t worked through all his feelings yet. John didn’t see how avoiding the situation would help matters, though. “Whether or not you’re in Atlantis, you’re still going to see him. You need to work this out, Rodney. You need to decide what you want. Radek deserves that.” 

“Don’t you think I know that?” Rodney hissed, resentment darkening his tone. “I can’t do that when I have this…stuff –” John watched as Rodney’s hands twitched frantically at his chest, “–about you rattling around inside me.” 

John didn’t know quite what to make of that, but before he was able to form any sort of coherent thought, Rodney straightened his back and squared his shoulders. “If I agree to stay on Atlantis, this,” he waved between them, “goes away.” 

John immediately shook his head. “I keep you but I can’t have you? No way.” 

Rodney crossed his arms and defiantly challenged, “Are you saying Radek is a bigger man than you?” 

“Yes!” he cried plainly. “I’m a selfish, arrogant prick, or hadn’t you noticed?” 

“Hard to miss,” Rodney muttered, “But my offer stands: take it or leave it.” 

John swallowed the lump in his throat as he studied the man before him. Three weeks ago, he didn’t even realize he had feelings for the arrogant bastard, and now his lips tingled for another taste of him. John’s dick was screaming at him to not let Rodney go, but his brain – for once – was louder. It was stupid and foolish and a hundred ways wrong, and he still wanted it. He knew he couldn’t have it, however, and that stung the most. He stared at the floor and mumbled, “One night.” 

“Excuse me?” 

He raised his head and locked gazes with Rodney. “One night, then you’ll rescind your transfer request to Caldwell.” 

He couldn’t decide if Rodney was more furious or offended. “You’re attempting to blackmail me into staying? I’ll report your sorry ass to Caldwell and he’ll bust you down to lieutenant.” 

Rodney tried to move past him, but John grasped his upper arms and held tight. “No. Not because of that. Because you want to.” He took a deep breath. “Because I want you.” 

He felt the tremor of Rodney’s body under his hands, and saw the flash of confusion and hurt that crossed the normally impassive face. “I’ve been thinking about this for weeks, Rodney. I can’t taste you and not have all of you. Just once. Give me that, please. If you don’t feel the same for me, then we’ll go back to just friends. I can do that,” he promised, seeing the denial ready on Rodney’s lips. “I’d rather see you every day and not touch you, than not ever see you,” he added quietly. 

His eyes dropped to Rodney’s Adam’s apple as he swallowed hard, finally relaxing in his arms. Rodney nodded once, and John let him go. 

He stared at the far wall as Rodney walked past him and opened the door to his office. He felt Rodney stop at the doorway; felt his gaze on his back. 

“Me, too,” Rodney whispered, and then kept going, allowing the door to shut behind him.


	3. Last Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ghost fingers caressed his neck and he squirmed, trying to make the feeling go away. It was distracting him from the subroutine he was trying to follow. He raised his hand to scratch his neck, and encountered another hand.

Radek resisted the urge to press his fists to his ears, forcing himself to keep them in his lap as he listened to the arguments behind him. Who cared if he was appointed Chief Scientific Advisor? It meant Rodney was leaving Atlantis; that should be their concern. Their pettiness angered him, but even anger couldn’t overcome the sadness that had been with him since he left Rodney. Why did he think they could go back to working together? Was it only wishful thinking that he could watch those strong hands diagramming some pathway in the air, and not imagine them on his skin? 

Apparently so, because he felt the ghost of those fingers across his stomach. He clenched his eyes shut, willing the feeling to go away. He knew he was the reason Rodney was leaving, and it sickened his stomach to know that he had that much power. During their very brief meeting about it, both he and Rodney had said as little as possible, with even less eye contact. It was strange to be accepting a post of this magnitude; when the teams were being chosen back on Earth, everyone wanted the coveted position of CSA. Now, Radek hated the position with all he possessed, because it meant he would no longer get to see Rodney every day, even though it hurt to see him. 

The voices drifted away – finally – and he was able to relax his hands and begin his work on deciphering the captured dart’s mechanics. Three weeks, and they still were trying to understand the propulsion system. It would be good, though, because they should be able to get it operational again, which meant not only would they have another ship; they would have an enemy ship. Who knew what uses it could have in the future? He stretched and popped his back, then lost himself in his work.

Ghost fingers caressed his neck and he squirmed, trying to make the feeling go away. It was distracting him from the subroutine he was trying to follow. He raised his hand to scratch his neck, and encountered another hand. 

He spun around and was caught by Rodney, arms fully around him, lifting him up and kissing him and God be praised, Radek had missed this. Not caring who might walk in and see them, he dug his hands into the small of Rodney’s back, fingers sneaking into his pants to caress the beginning curve of his ass. Rodney’s familiar hum of pleasure sparked tears behind his tightly closed eyes, and he doubled his efforts to resample all he had memorized. 

He slipped a hand up to Rodney’s neck, tracing over the light stubble with his thumb. Their kiss gentled, the desperation giving way to acceptance. Finally, Radek broke contact and looked into bloodshot eyes: Rodney had been crying. 

He removed his other hand from Rodney’s back and wiped the stain of tear-tracks on his skin. “Rodney, why? Is this because you’re leaving?” 

Rodney bit his swollen lip and shook his head. “I’m staying,” he whispered, and traced Radek’s features with a fingertip, causing Radek’s eyes to fill with tears again.

His hands slipped to their familiar place at Rodney’s waist to pull him closer. As much as Radek wanted to believe they could be together again, he knew it wasn’t true. Rodney wasn’t acting like this was a reunion; it still felt like a goodbye. “Then…why?” he whispered. 

Rodney grasped the back of his head and leaned forward until their foreheads touched. The feel of Rodney’s fingers in his hair was too intimate, yet Radek let him, because he could feel the gentle rubbing of Rodney’s fingers on his scalp. The sensation was too pleasant not to let it continue, though it would only make whatever was coming harder. “Please, tell me,” Radek begged softly. 

Rodney took a deep breath and met his gaze. “I kissed John,” he stated quietly. “I liked it. I like him.” 

The brutal honesty was familiar, but it hurt. His hands reflexively tightened on Rodney’s hips, giving away his feelings. He could see that Rodney wasn’t done, but Radek didn’t have any defenses to prepare himself. He just hung on and prayed he could survive this.

“He also made me see that leaving wouldn’t solve anything. I’m revoking my request for transfer. Caldwell didn’t seem thrilled with it in the first place, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Radek closed his eyes and breathed in Rodney’s scent, knowing this intimacy wouldn’t last much longer. “You’ll stay, but not with Sheppard or me,” he stated, though it broke his heart to do so. “We must find a way to work together.” 

“I know,” Rodney sighed and shifted his hands to Radek’s neck, rubbing his thumbs against Radek’s wildly thumping pulse. “I’m working on that. Right now, just know that I’m not leaving. I can’t leave.” 

Radek couldn’t open his eyes. He was too afraid that this was a dream, and that he would wake up in bed, alone, and Rodney would be off on the Daedelus. “I’m sorry,” he said, barely aware of why he said it. “I made it very hard on you, when I left. I thought it would be easier. I was wrong.” He opened his eyes then, peering into the blue so like his own. “I’m sorry,” he said, punctuating it with a quick movement of his hands and a longer kiss. His hands curled up Rodney’s back under his jacket, feeling the play of muscle one last time, then he pulled away from the warmth of his lover completely. 

\--------------------

Rodney felt like the complete and utter shit he was as he tried to look anywhere but at Radek – ultimately failing spectacularly. He fell into those despondent eyes, absolutely hating the misery and tears he could see there, knowing his eyes were a mirror of Radek’s. Self-flogging was his strong suit, but the heights that he’d achieved thus far today far outweighed any of his previous attempts. 

Why couldn’t John have just let him leave? No, he had to show up and get him angry instead of numb like he wanted, then that damn lower lip just ached to be sucked on…he bit his own lip, tasting the remnants of blood. Why was he so weak when it came to relationships? He’d just….caved with John. One taste of him and he was lost. 

John was fire and passion and pain; Radek was warmth and comfort and home. 

He and Radek had dinner a few times as non-coworkers, then spent two or three weeks talking on one of their couches, which lead to heavy-petting sessions that left Rodney wanting more. 

When Radek had asked him, the soft cadence of his voice whispering in his ear, if he wished to sleep with him, Rodney had actually hesitated. Things were going well. Their work was going smoothly, despite their seeing each other. No one suspected anything amiss, and he hadn’t done something incredibly stupid to send Radek away screaming, yet. 

When he started to say no, Radek had sucked gently on his ear and slipped his hand down Rodney’s back, fingertips easily breaching his pants. His breathing stuttered, as it so often did when Radek rubbed at the base of his spine, and he found himself saying ‘yes’. 

Then the Wraith came, and everything went to hell for almost a month. 

It was – odd – to feel so much for two different people at the same time. He was used to unrequited crushes and lusts. He wasn’t used to having someone want him, and especially not two people at the same point in his life. The fact that it was two men – eh, he shrugged – he’d come to terms with that during his first doctorate program. Late night study parties led to far too many nights with just two of them in an apartment, which led to crashing on couches, then eventually beds, then they started falling into bed before they were exhausted. 

The few women he’d slept with hadn’t stayed around very long, some in part to his genius, others his ego, but mostly, both. He loved to brag, needed that boost to his own self-esteem because those around him too often ignored his genius in favor of their safe, inefficient, meager scientists. That’s why Elizabeth’s mission was so vital to his existence – not only would he get to use his genius and be appreciated for it, but he’d get to be farther away from Earth than any other human. Okay, yes, others came with him, but the point was he left that old life and started a new one. 

What he hadn’t anticipated was a Czech with as much mule-headed stubbornness as him, and a fly-boy with a just-fucked smile and tousled hair. 

“You’re one of the strongest people I know,” he declared, startling Radek badly. He hadn’t meant to blurt it out, but he had many things he wanted – needed – to say to Radek, and if he didn’t get them out now, he never would. “I don’t think I would have been brave enough to give up someone I cared about…”

“I love you, Rodney,” Radek interrupted him quietly

The simple declaration sent Rodney’s heart into palpations. “I’m sorry; what?” he asked, knowing what Radek said, but wanting to hear it again. Needing to hear it again.

“I know it’s not the proper time to say it, but I love you,” Radek said again, the words beginning to sink in. “That is why I did it.” 

Rodney now knew what ‘dumb-founded’ meant. Those three little words kept repeating in his head, unable to believe that someone was saying them to him. “You love me?”

The barely hint of a smirk tilted Radek’s lips upward. “I believe that’s what I said, yes.” 

Rodney blinked back tears – for the first time that day, not ones of sadness or pain. “I don’t know – I’m not sure – how I feel about you,” he admitted, hating to see the smile vanish from Radek’s face. He hastily added, “I didn’t get time to find out. I need more time…want more time.” And he was astonished to realize he did want to know. He crowded into Radek’s personal space. “I want to know,” he said as he stared into his lover’s eyes. “Let me find out.” 

He saw the desperate hope shining in Radek’s eyes, even while he denied, “What about Colonel Sheppard…?”

Guilt burned fast and hot through him, but he banished it to the pit of his soul. He grasped Radek’s arms and pulled him in tight. “I like him, but I’m not willing to give up on us yet.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “Please don’t deny me this.” 

Rodney could see the indecision warring behind Radek’s eyes, yet felt the delicate hands slip to their familiar place on his hips, fingertips digging into his flesh. 

“I…can’t,” Radek stuttered and dropped his gaze to Rodney’s mouth. 

Before Rodney could question what exactly Radek meant, he had his arms full of a moaning, writhing Radek, his mouth pleading and desperate and hopeful. 

Rodney met him stroke for stroke, urgent and yielding, calling back remembered nights with Radek arching under him, fingernails biting into skin. He gasped as Radek’s nails found his flesh once more, dragging them along his waistband, causing him to shudder. Everyone had different erogenous zones: the small of Rodney’s back drove him insane with the lightest touch, and Radek new that area intimately. 

When the tips of Radek’s fingers began to rub beneath his waistband, he arched forward with a soft cry. “Please,” he begged shamelessly, not even sure what he was begging for, but Radek would know. He always knew. 

\-----------------

John tried to get the image out of his head, but it was difficult. Of course Rodney would want to tell his ex-lover that he wasn’t transferring, but the sheer agony on both of their faces was too much. He eavesdropped, then he spied, then he sneaked out and locked the lab door so they wouldn’t be disturbed. 

As much as John wanted Rodney, he knew he couldn’t go through with his proposal now. Not after seeing that emotional display. If Rodney loved Zelenka, then that was it; John would have to learn to like it. Live with it. Request a transfer to the Daedelus. Possibly, return to Earth.

He shied away from thinking ‘what if’ Rodney didn’t love Zelenka. He saw the two of them together, and if he had any clue what love looked like, he’d say he had no hope of winning Rodney’s affections. So, he wasn’t thinking about it. Not the bravest thing he could do, but the only thing he could under the circumstances. 

Of course, John had learned one very vital thing from the Air Force besides how to fly an Osprey: patience. 

\---------

Rodney stared out his window, cold cup of Athosian coffee in hand, barely noticing the setting sun. He had given long, serious thought to his feelings, something he rarely had to do.

Two weeks ago, he had kissed John Sheppard. Two weeks ago, John Sheppard had propositioned him. He’d declined the invitation after only a few hours thinking about it; being in Radek’s arms again had given him the clarity he needed to make his decision. Whether John said it was blackmail or not, Rodney couldn’t live with that black mark on his soul. One night couldn’t compare with the weeks he and Radek had before the Wraith attack. 

With John, he’d come to realize that what he felt was fire-bright but exhaustive. If they got together, they’d constantly argue, which would lead to hot sex, which would lead to more arguing. It wasn’t a cycle Rodney was particularly fond of, as his jaw had hurt for days after John punched him. That fact that John hid his intelligence was of constant annoyance to Rodney, who would never understand why anyone would want to be known as ‘dumb’. They were oil and water, and as much fun as it might be for weeks or even months, it couldn’t last. 

John had accepted his decision stoically, though Rodney knew it hurt. They were just getting comfortable again with each other, falling to their old banter to cover any awkward feelings. Rodney still went out with John’s team, though they weren’t the primary anymore. Elizabeth’s team had taken over many of the first contact missions, and their safety had nearly doubled as she negotiated for food, technology, or just friendship. 

Rodney had very little doubt left that he’d made the right choice. He wondered idly what those few weeks or months might have been like with John, but it wasn’t worth their friendship or working relationship.

It had taken Radek time to trust him again, and he gave his lover all the time he needed. They started not at square one, but definitely slowly. Lunches became dinners. Hand-holding became good-night kisses. Goodnight kisses became invitations to the couch for more kisses. 

As much as Rodney had craved Radek’s more intimate touches, he didn’t propose anything. He let Radek set their pace, and it was worth it when he saw the love shining from Radek’s eyes as he curled their fingers together and led him to the bedroom. 

That night, the last of Rodney’s doubt had vanished. He forced himself to stay awake after Radek had fallen asleep, then had simply watched him. The rise and fall of the slim chest. The slight snores that would have irritated Rodney if they weren’t endearing, just like the man. The way Radek curled against his body, tangling their legs together. When Radek’s breathing had changed and he was about to wake, Rodney greeted him with a longing kiss. He only hoped it said what he couldn’t articulate in words.

Arms circled around Rodney’s chest, and a chaste kiss was placed against his neck. His hand automatically came up to rest on one of the arms, his thumb gently caressing the exposed wrist. 

“You are thinking too much again,” Radek’s accent purred in his ear. 

“Just thinking about you,” he answered, feeling Radek’s chin settle on his shoulder. 

Radek made a noise of approval. “It’s always good to hear that.” 

He smirked, though Radek couldn’t see it. “Egomaniac.” 

A thigh nudged between his legs, causing him to gasp. “Were you thinking only about me?” Radek asked slyly with a push of his hips. 

Rodney placed the coffee cup on the nearest surface and turned in his lover’s arms. “Well, maybe not just you,” he admitted as his hands trailed down Radek’s back and they met in a kiss.

The End

\--------------------------------

Translations:  
usnout – go to sleep  
hloupý – stupid  
miluji tě – I love you  
hovno – shit 


End file.
